Content moderation compresses a graded, contested human judgment into a binary act (leave up / take down) over billions of items, at a scale where running a frontier LLM on every post is uneconomical. A new class of frozen "System One" models returns typed, calibrated decisions instead of text at ~USD 0.000025 per call and ~100 ms. We run the first independent audit of one such model on 142,658 human-labeled comments, and benchmark it against 14 frontier reasoning models (the GPT-5.x, Claude, Gemini 3, and Grok families) on a shared probe set. Two findings stand out. First, the cheap model is accuracy-competitive: its zero-shot classification AUROC (0.83) is not statistically separable (paired bootstrap, n=56; a failure to reject parity, not proof of equivalence) from 13 of the 14 frontier systems while costing 1-3 orders of magnitude less, and it is no worse calibrated than several of them. Second, "confidence" conflates two uncertainties that come apart: human disagreement (where annotators split on satire and coded language) and decision risk (where the automatic action is costly-wrong). Under an asymmetric moderation loss these call for opposite escalation signals, so no single confidence number serves both. Because the model prices extra questions at nearly zero, decomposing the judgment into parallel sub-questions and reading their spread recovers a human-disagreement signal that the model's native confidence misses -- but this remedy is specific: it helps the weakest, disagreement-blind models and only when the decomposition aligns with the sources of disagreement; a specialist toxicity model and the strongest LLMs do not need it, and the effect is distribution-sensitive. We will release the instrument, the cached runs, and the analysis.

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